Confirmation

Who knew that God could minister to my heart in the time it took me to type this blog? I initially entitled it Emotional Exhaustion, but as I typed, He worked on me and helped me to take every thought captive in obedience to Him! All glory is due to You, LORD! You are AWESOME!


23 days into July - We've been home a total of 19 of them. In the past 19 days, we've had 103 different people visit our home for at least an hour...51 of these people were under age 13. 27 different people have slept here overnight at least one night. There have been a total of 3 nights this month when it was only the 5 of us sleeping under our roof.

We love to be hospitable. We enjoy hosting people in our home. We know that God gave us the home we have for that specific reason. It's amazing to me that as I look over the list of those we hosted this month, I look at each and every name with a certain affection. Thank you, Lord, for friends and family. When I list these numbers above, it's not with complaint or pride - just confirmation. Confirmation that we are using our home and spending our time invested in relationships. We wholeheartedly believe and affirm that we are called to be in relationship with those in Christ and those who have yet to know Christ. I need to remind myself of this when I feel like I do today - emotionally exhausted.

Before I go any further, I need to let you in on a little secret: I am energized and recharged by alone or one-on-one time. I LOVE spending time connecting with people in a more intimate way. This is difficult for me to do in large group situations. It takes an enormous amount of effort for me. I LOATHE small talk - not because I don't feel it is valuable and necessary in getting to know people better, but because it's awkward for me. It feels uncomfortable and takes work. I come away from a larger social gathering exhausted; I come away from lunch with a friend exhilarated. (An interesting side note - Dana is the opposite. He's totally pumped up at the idea of spending time with people whether in large or small groups. He goes a little stir-crazy if he's alone too long...) I am also one who relishes time alone as this is time with my Lord. During the school year, I have larger doses of this kind of time. I actually look forward to my cleaning jobs, not because I love cleaning so much, but because it's time alone when I can crank up the worship music or listen to podcasts from my favorite preachers without interruption. I'm energized after a few hours of cleaning (mind you...not energized to clean my OWN house, just recharged enough to go back to relating again).

Children are another story. I am not really a "kid person". Some of you may be surprised by that since we are right smack dab in the middle of a ministry to children - namely foster children. I am not one of those people (like my husband is) who loves to just hang out with kids. He romps and plays and laughs and tickles and truly enjoys spending time with children of every age. Kids LOVE him. I'm one who is focused on meeting practical needs, analyzing behaviors, watching for what's really at the heart of the matter, and trying to draw children out in conversation. (Somehow small talk with children isn't quite so painful for me :) As you might notice, these are not things children find very exciting... The easiest way for me to connect with a child is by reading them a book. It's like we are sharing in a more intimate experience that satisfies both of our desires. My favorite thing to do with children is read books to them.

So what does all of this mean for right now? What does this mean when the numbers are such as they are above? What does this mean when I've been living in a state of forced spontaneity, mild chaos, and somewhat reluctant self-sacrifice? It means I'm tired - emotionally and physically.

Nail polish on the couch, mounds of laundry, 5 extra kids, pet puke, hamburger "blood" dripped everywhere (long story), water in the basement, fish tank disaster leading to carpet shampooing and friend's dead fish, unbearable heat and humidity making it next to impossible for kids to play outside. Dana left yesterday for what we have come to call "Fantasy Farm Camp" (thanks for the positive spin on that Kyle) He will be in Crookston farming with a friend for the next 3 weeks. That's my "poor me" paragraph...just needed to get that off my chest :)

What DOES all of this mean? Right now, I'm fully dependent on the grace of God to get me through each day. And what a gloriously painful place that is to be. Again, I don't say this with pride or complaint in my heart - just confirmation and conviction. I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN. It is Christ who works in me both to will and to do...(Phil. 2:13) I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13) In the past, I would've been doing everything I could to control my circumstances in order to keep my life more manageable and orderly. Praise God, that in His infinite wisdom, He has other plans for me. He has used numerous experiences (frustrating, challenging, heart-breaking, humorous, difficult, and even down-right ridiculous - but ALL of them out of my control) in the past year to practically demonstrate to me that my life truly is not my own, nor is it meant to be. It is Christ's, meant to be lived in obedience and in glory to Him. This is the deepest cry of my heart - to live my life for His glory. If you know and love Jesus, you understand what I'm talking about. If not, you probably think I'm crazy.

Last weekend, a friend (love you Kari) asked me about foster care wondering if I "like" it... It struck me as an interesting question. Our family has been called into foster care. It's a ministry. We do it joyfully because we know it's His best for us, and He has truly given us a heart for these children. Do we like it? Hmmmm...... Dana compared it to asking a missionary located in a remote, hostile, poverty-stricken location if they "like" it. It's difficult to say you like something that challenges you and reveals your weaknesses at every turn. It's difficult to say you don't like something that so deeply fulfills a calling within, that has infinite eternal and even earthly rewards, that affirms and strengthens the character you long to exhibit. I guess I'd have to say I may not always like it, but I DO love it because I love Him. It is He that works in me both to will and to do.

Why do I write this? Not so much to inform others as to encourage myself. Tonight I feel weak. Today it was hard. And yet I have joy...unexplainable, overflowing, peace-giving joy. Praise you Jesus! Your grace is sufficient for me for Your power is made perfect in my weakness. AMEN!