Tough Love

Love is patient. Love is kind.

We've all heard it a thousand times. What does this look like for real? What does it sound like?

What is kindness to one who is on the path of destruction? Is it to let him continue on his way unobstructed? Or to issue a warning of the danger and even jump in his way if he continues along the path? And what if he does continue? What is patience to one who rebels against every warning, intervention, and discipline intended for her good? Is it to give in to her demands and hope that all goes better next time? Or is it to stand firm, repeat instruction, encourage submission, and refuse defeat?

So often we think love must be doing the thing that makes someone feel good. The thing that avoids conflict. The thing that makes life more peaceful. Taking the path of least resistance. The world talks about this kind of love as being difficult because you set aside your thoughts about what is right in order to be more tolerant and "loving". It's not based on any sort of truth other than the subjective idea of whether or not the person you are trying to love feels loved. If he doesn't feel loved, you must not be acting lovingly.

Here's what that same Bible passage about love being patient and kind says, "Love finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth." (1Corinthians 13:6) Love tells the truth and is willing to fight for it...not in a rude or demanding way, but in a patient and kind way. A way that is not boastful or proud. A way that is not selfish or unforgiving, but hopeful and enduring. This kind of love I do not possess. Of this kind of love, I am not capable. It is only by the grace of God that I can walk in this kind of love. And believe me, I mess up. There's no formula for this kind of love. It's often difficult to discern how to put action behind the words. Let alone being able to have the right attitude in performing the actions... This love doesn't depend on the feelings of either the one seeking to love or the one being loved. It's a commitment. This is True Love, Supernatural Love, Tough Love.

Dana now writes: I shared this analogy with Sarah tonight as we listened to our 7-year-old foster daughter continue in her raging fit over the loss of privileges.

Have you ever seen a wild kitten? Not wild, like playful wild, but the "not tame" kind of wild? We would run into these kinds of cats every once in awhile growing up on the farm. We'd approach the kitten wanting to pet it or pick it up so we could feed it, care for it, love on it. Can't you picture the kitten backed into a corner with it's tail poofed out, it's back arched, it's mouth spitting/hissing, and it's paws taking swings at the air with claws extended? Why does it do that? Mostly, for the cat, it's a defense against what it perceives as a threat. It doesn't understand my outstretched hand is a sign of care, of protection, and provision. What I'm offering to the cat is foreign and so it's only natural to fight.

The analogy isn't perfect, but I pictured this little girl like the frightened little cat, hissing, spitting, claws extended, not realizing that this discipline is actually for her benefit.

It also reminds me of Hebrews 12:7-13:

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

May the love in our home be like the Father's love for us - even when it's difficult, especially when we aren't "feeling" it...may we pursue this kind of tough love.